Well, I haven't talked to Terry since Monday. Fuck him. Josh seems to have disappeared off the face of the Earth. Whatever, people suck.

I met this guy the other night when I was at work, his name is Chris. He seems like the kind of guy I could get along with. Hopefully, he will call.

Right now, my throat is killing me, I need to quit smoking. I'm out of cigarettes and i have money to get them, but I left the lights on in my car yesterday morning so the battery is dead. I dunno, nothing of any importance has happened except that I've worked all week. Maybe something exciting will happen today

I haven't slept much in the past few days, and I just now am getting access to the internet back. Ohhh where did I leave off? Oh yeah....

So Terry and I decided that things were just not going to ever work out between us again. Well, he decided. That sucked pretty bad because even though I constantly bitch and complain about him I do care for him alot. I guess it just hurts more when you're the "Dumpee" or whatever. I was so sure this was what I had been wanting all along, and now that I have it, I'm even more miserable.

It seems like damn near everything that has happened since Friday was horrible. That night my parents got into it real bad again. It was like their first fight in a month (which for them is progress) but it was so bad that I actually snuck out of my house and wondered around aimlessly for several hours in the middle of the night. I think Andrea is pissed off at me? but I don't know... or I don't care, not sure which yet.

Today, I had to work on absolutely no sleep, it was hell. Every old person in Mcdonalds is annoying. They all know when you're tired because it's 8 in the morning when you get there. They love to just talk your ear off when you just want to body slam them through the drive thru window. Bastards. Anyways, so I was forced to clean the lobby and be surrounded by old people for two hours straight. Then, I was put on counter so I could be irritated by coworker and customers at the same time. Ugh, it didn't get interesting until Matt showed up, at least then I had intelligent conversation.

I think the only good things that have happened in the past few days is that I have been fucked up pretty much the whole time,including now. I don't know why I'm so upset over Terry. It just hurts and sucks. The thought of him holding another girl just makes me want to stab something. I just hope he calls soon because if he doesn't then that means there was another girl, and thats why he ended things just like that. I don't what I would do if that's what really happened... but I know that someone would end up in the hospital. I don't care who she is. I'll kick her ass, then his. Hmm... jealously problems.

Just letting anyone who cares know what happened when Terry got here this morning.... we fought. Big shocker I know.

I have yet to sleep since my last entry.... feeling very tired, but very awake. How's that work?

So anyway, last night after I finished writing, Josh read what I had to say. Apparently he was totally oblivious to all the craziness that was going on around me. He rushed to my house at 2 in the morning to talk me out of suicide. (For the record, I would never actually kill myself over guys) Suicide is our way of telling God he can't fire us. He gave me a nice pep talk while I listened to depressing music and played Freecell. He told me about how I build these walls and won't let anyone get in, so after he left I put sheets up around my bed (the bottom of bunk beds) and really created walls just to be a jackass. I know that sounds really shitty, but I don't mean it to be that way because he is one of my best friends, and I know he's just looking out for me. I appreciate that alot.

I haven't slept yet because I know Terry will be here within the next hour, he's waiting to get his check from work. He works through PMI and got a nice 3rd shift job at Delta Faucet. I'm wondering whether or not I should show him this new project. He would probably go on about how he doesn't appreciate making our problems accessible to the public eye and he doesn't think he does anything wrong that should make me get upset. Right. Hopefully, he will just understand that I have to vent some how, and talking to him obviously doesn't work.

On a happier note, my older brother just left for Missouri with his lady friend, and won't be back till monday. He knows just how to make my day, he left about 15 minutes before my dad left to go to work, then as he was half way to his lady friends house, he called to let my dad know that something was wrong with his car that was going to cost a bunch of money to fix. My dad proceeded to mutter under his breathe after he slammed down the phone about how he "can't get a fucking break". I don't like my father, if you could call him that, so this was all very amusing to me. After he realized that I was in fact laughing at him, he yelled at my for flicking the ashes of my cigarette in the garbage can... I then pointed out that he flicks his ashes in the garbage can all the time so he just walked out of the kitchen and slammed the front door shut as he left for work.

My mom just came in from work, she works the night shift at Christ Hospital. Recently, I have been having these terrible back pains and I have no idea why. I asked her is she could possibly take me to see a chiropractor, but she said her insurance wouldn't cover it.

The perfect beginning to another bad day....

Today I woke up at 5ish in the afternoon to my little brother and sister and their friends running around my house screaming.... parents no where to be found. Needless to say, I was hung over and disgruntled so there was alot of yelling. It seems everyone knows when I wake up and they all feel the need to call, repeatedly. Sometimes, I really wish everyone would just leave me alone.

I'm not sure if my exboyfriend, Terry, pissed me off or not today, but he most likely did. Which would explain my eagerness to do something that would piss him off in return. Why do I let him make my life difficult? I wish I knew.

Grrr.. I feel like everyone around is pushing and pulling me. Like the walls are closing in on me, I feel suffocated. How can these people who claim to care about me so much make me feel like this. Maybe, they don't really care, and they are only pretending too for their own benefit. I'm cynical and jaded enough to not doubt it. I don't like the way I feel, like everyone can blame me for whatever it is that is bothering them. Like I can magically fix all their problems, I can't. I'm only human, I think my friends forget that sometimes. It seems like they want more than I can give, whatever happen to good old friendship...

Two people in-particular... are unintentionally making things very difficult. Terry and Josh. I love both of them to death, but their making me feel as though I'm the rope in a Tug a War contest. Both pulling me. It needs to stop before I tear in half. I can't make them both happy.